Asher McCrary

To my son Asher, my sweet little boy, my pride and joy. 

My whole life I've dreamed of the day I'd meet you. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, I've had ups and downs, highs, lows and many many setbacks along the road that led me to you. But then you were born, and from the moment I held you I knew it was all worth it.everything I'd been thru, the setbacks, the mistakes, the pain. It was all worth it. It was all to build me up and make me the man I am, the father you deserved. You saved me then and there in that moment. You redeemed everything I'd wanted for so long was finally in my hands. You were so tiny, so fragile, so perfect. 

You were perfect. You made me whole; you made me better. I’ve been so blessed to have the privilege of being your father, to watch you grow and develop, oh how you've healed me so much without even trying. The late nights learning about stars and planets. The early mornings reliving childhood memories and sharing them with you. Even now all I can think about is your smile. Your eyes, the way you looked at me like I was a superhero, like I could do no wrong, I was your best friend, and you were mine. I can still hear your little laugh when daddy bury his face in your chest and blow little raspberries on you belly. The shrill screams of joy you would let out. Those are the moments I will cherish and remember the rest of my life. You were always so happy, so pure. I had always imagined being a dad, protecting you from the dark, from the scary things in life, and here you were so small, yet chasing away the darkness away from me. Making me better, making me stronger. Thank you bubba, thank you so much. 

You've taught me so much in such a short time. Just that morning we went for a walk to the pond across the street from the house. We sat down together, and we shared a chocolate muffin together and just talked and stared out at the water. You were getting bored and restless in your stroller, and I told you that it was okay, that sometimes in life you’re going to be bored and restless and that's okay, it’s okay to just slow down and enjoy the moment. It was you that has truly taught me that. I’m going through our photos and reliving and enjoying every little moment we had together. All the laughs, all the little things.. you bouncing up and down in your jumper, you running around in your walker terrorizing the cats, laughing and smiling the whole time. Every little Gaia, Gaia, Gaia as you chewed on your Paci. I will cherish them all the rest of my life. You were everything I wanted and more importantly everything i needed. 

I would tell you every time you cried it was okay, I promised you I would always be her to protect you, but now it’s your turn bubba. It’s your turn to protect daddy, your turn to chase the darkness away with your memory and your light. Your turn to push me to continue on this path, to push me to be the man you saw me as. 

I promise to stay strong, I promise to honor you and our memories. I promise to be the man you made me and you saw me as. The way you would look up at me and smile and light up when it was time to get up and I'd pick you up out of bed. I was your hero, your best friend. But in reality you were mine. Your light and purity will continue to push me to be the man you saw me as. 

It wasn't a long time, but it was the best time of my life and I will cherish every moment we had together, I promise to live my life not just for me but for you as well my son, my little Goose. 

Daddy loves you and daddy misses you Until we meet again my son, my baby boy, my best friend, and most importantly my hero. I love you Asher.

My sweet baby goose, 

Mommy is sitting here trying to understand the what and why that you are gone. I do not understand, and mommy is so confused. I have watched you grow so so big, from a tiny little 5 pound baby to my big old 20 pound goose. You were learning to crawl and teaching your big brother in ways only you could. Losing Reagan was a gut punch, losing you has destroyed me. 

I can't listen to Mrs. Rachel or watch space facts without hearing your little laugh. Oh how I miss your laugh sweet baby. You were so full of life and love. I miss watching you crawl after the kittens, they don't know what to do without you being here. Mommy was so proud of you! You were so determined to be mobile and going. Hearing you get excited about food always made me giggle. I loved hearing you and your bothers feed of each other’s giggles and laughter. Mommy misses you so so much. The love you had for mommy and daddy will always be so special to me. 

Hold your babies close. If I have learned anything in the last few weeks it is that time is only a moment. Nothing is promised and life can be gone in an instant. Take photos of your babies and family and hold them close. There will always be time for work later. Please take time to be with your family. If I could do anything different, I'd take more photos with both of my boys. I would hold them a little longer, kiss them one more time. 

Asher Alexander McCrary, you are mommy and daddies pride and joy. My reason to get sober and now, mommies reason to stay sober. You gave and will give mommy the motivation to do better and seek a deeper relationship with God. 

Lastly, Thank you Jesus for welcoming both of my boys into your gates. Thank you for being my strength and stronghold when my world has fallen apart. I will continue to hold tight to your word. Baby goose, Mommy loves you deeply and always. Give Reagan a gagaaa gaaa ga for me. 

I love you my baby sunshine, Mommy.